You Need Help: I Hate Not Having a Girlfriend

And that can be useful information when navigating dating apps

I got rejected on a dating app and I hate not having a girlfriend. I’m single and lonely. What do I do?

First and foremost, I recommend Dani’s words on navigating rejection as a single person. I’ve written on rejection, too. I’m also sorry to say that rejection is an unavoidable part of using dating apps. Every person I know – including myself – has at some point experienced rejection on dating apps. Sure, there are these fairytale stories I’ve heard of people downloading an app, matching with one person, and then deleting the app and going on to marry them or whatever but that is NOT THE NORM. I reject the idea that rejection isn’t an inherent part of dating – and especially dating apps, where a lot of things become oversimplified for the sake of convenience. I find it helpful to remind yourself that rejection often has more to do with the other person than with you. It can be a tough message to actually accept and digest, but just tell yourself over and over that this was a choice made by someone else, and you ultimately have no control over that choice.

Why do you want a girlfriend? Why do you dislike being single? I’m serious! I want you to ask yourself these questions and come up with as many answers as possible. Some can be broad, but it’s good to have some concrete answers, too. I think asking yourself these questions can serve a few functions.

First of all, and perhaps most importantly, this can help you identify your needs and wants in life and then you can figure out ways to address those needs and wants that don’t hinge entirely on dating. Do you want a girlfriend so you can have someone to cook dinner for? Maybe it’s time to start inviting more friends over for dinner at your place. Do you dislike being single because you don’t like going to restaurants or events alone? Again, lean on friends! It’s true that one friend probably can’t check every box for what you’re looking for in connection and companionship. But it can help with feeling less lonely. Do you want a girlfriend because you want someone to make out with and hook up that site with? It’s possible to find that within friendships, too, though of course not for everyone. Casual sex – also not for everyone! – is also an option and doesn’t have to be viewed as something that undermines the underlying goal of eventually having a girlfriend! Casual hookups can teach you a lot about yourself and what you want.

Sometimes, I think that in order to reset our minds about dating, we need to focus on things other than dating

Second of all, investigating the reasons beneath these wants will also help you when it comes to dating and finding the right person to suit your lifestyle and needs. I personally don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with going into dating apps with the explicit purposes of just Finding A Girlfriend. But it can also set you up for failure if that’s the only end goal without additional thoughts about what you’re looking for. You could end up over-idealizing another person and overlooking red flags or irrevocable differences because you’re too focused on merely getting a girlfriend. Or you could end up ruling out someone who could be a good match or connection for you because you don’t necessarily see them as having Girlfriend Potential right away. I think it’s good to be clear about what you want when it comes to dating apps. Maybe avoid people who are strictly looking for something casual since that doesn’t sound like what you want. But be open to the idea of dating people who you might not see a future with right away. Life often just doesn’t work out like that! The idea of a magical spark when we meet someone is mostly a fantasy.